21 People You Never Want On Your Cruise

June 12, 2015

However amazing your cruise holiday is, other people on-board can sometimes make it or break it.

After all, there’s no escape from your cruising companions!

Here’s who you might want to avoid like an iceberg that’s got the norovirus!

The Bargain Hunter

Is there anything worse than learning that you paid more than your fellow cruisers for your break?


Having to hear about it every night over dinner or every day by the pool! The cheapskate loves the fact that he got a bargain – you, not so much.

The Comedian

There’s always one that thinks it’s hilarious to shout ‘iceberg!’……..Really loudly…….. On a daily basis.

Such japes!

Resist the urge to throw him overboard.

scary clown

The Chatterbox

We all have a friend or colleague who loves the sound of their own voice but we forgive them because we may actually have an interest in their life.

Less so the stranger who wants to go into minute detail about their job/their kids/their pets/where they shop/their latest dental work.

Earplugs are acceptable at dinner, right?


The Snorer

You’ll need those earplugs if you cruise with a snorer but if your travelling partner is the offending noise-maker at least you’re expecting rumbles from their direction.

Much worse is the surprise snorer in the cabin next to you.


The Overpacker

Cruise ship cabins aren’t known for their masses of storage space but unlimited baggage restrictions can be too much of a temptation to resist for some.

After all, those ball gowns take up A LOT of space.

Rein in the over packer in your life unless you want to be fighting your way through mountains of taffeta and organza to get to your bed.

Over packing

The Person Who Just Loves Their Dressing Gown

Is it really so hard to dress for breakfast?

For some it’s clearly just too much effort and they prefer to eat with the risk of showing their own sausage and eggs off to all and sundry.

Even worse are those who wear the complimentary dressing gowns only found in suites like a status symbol. Scowl!

dressing gown

The Shorts Guy

Yes, there’s going to be one guy who read the dress code but decided that it doesn’t apply to him and who is prepared to stand and argue with the maitre’d very loudly about how he’s paid his money and he’ll wear whatever he goddam pleases, whilst you try to enjoy your starter. Sigh.

the shorts guy

The String Bikini Girl

Just as there’s always a shorts guy at dinner, there’s always a string bikini girl at lunch.

The parade of inappropriate swimwear is bad enough around the pool but whilst eating it’s going to be either annoying (if you’re female) or distracting (if you’re male).

Avert eyes people!


The Buffet Ditherer

They crop up everywhere – at weddings, in the work canteen, on holiday – and we’ve all been stuck behind someone who’ll bring the buffet line to an abrupt stop whilst they dither over  crab salad or the pasta of the day and being the polite Brits that we are, we couldn’t possibly go around them, even when everyone else is!

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The Overeater

The abundance and variety of the free food available on a cruise holiday can be difficult to resist but being seated with the person who orders six starters or piles their buffet plate impossibly high can be embarrassing and off-putting.

It can also slow your own meal down if you’re too polite to get up and leave the table whilst they’re still deciding which combination of deserts works best.

Fast Food

The Undereater

The flipside to the overeater is the cruiser who’s on a diet – and sticking to it!

Prepare for an attack of the guilts as you dive into your fifth chocolate fudge cake of the trip while they politely decline a desert because, you know, they’re super full up from their salad. Spoilsports!

Carrot on a plate

The Hate-My-Job Crew Member

Working on a cruise liner can be hard work and there are some crew members that let their disillusionment show.

The lack-lustre entertainment team, the cabin steward that you never see, the disinterested waiter, the higher-up crew member with delusions of grandeur and an abrupt manner – they can all sour your cruising experience.

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The Big Drinker

Most people enjoy a drink or two on holiday but when one or two becomes five or six you may have a loud, overfamiliar, sweary shipmate on your hands. A living, alcohol-fume-breathing reason to avoid the drinks packages.


The Disinterested Parent

There’s nothing wrong with kids on a cruise ship. What there is something wrong with is parents who decide that they’re on a parenting holiday from the minute they step onboard.

Naughty kids

The Newlywed Couple

Unless you are that couple, watching endless over-the-top displays of affection and rounds of tonsil tennis can become nauseating.

Even worse if you happen to be in the cabin next door. Earplugs, anyone?

The First-Timer

Make yourself available to a first time cruiser and you’re volunteering for the role of ‘font of all cruise ship knowledge’. Be warned – if you give them directions to the fitness centre once, you’ll become their personal concierge for the rest of the trip.

First time

The Know-It-All

Just as bad is the regular cruiser who insists that they know all the best places and that you really must do/go/eat/see X,Y or Z.

Show an interest at your peril.

We prefer the nod, smile and please yourself anyway approach.

Cruise know it all

The One With The Very Loud Voice

Similarly annoying to the know-it-all, there’s no escape from the one with the very loud voice. Whether he or she is talking to you directly or not, you’ll still hear every word of the conversation.

No matter how many times you rustle your paperback pages and huff, they won’t get the hint and lower those decibels.

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The Gym Bunny

Holidays are for relaxation, right?

The last thing you want is the guilts that you get watching the crop top wearing gym bunnies heading faithfully for the gym every day, when the only exercise you’re getting is lifting your cocktail beside the pool.

gym bunny

The sing-alonger

You’ve got your seat for the show, you’ve been looking forward to it all day – and the showtunes are ruined by the warblings of the West End wannabe sat behind you. Cue silently seething your way through Mamma Mia or Chicago.

The Complainer

There’s always one. The person who complains about absolutely everything – the pool’s too cold, the shower’s too hot, the soups too thick, the queues are too long, the bartender has a secret vendetta against just them (probably true).

If you find yourself put with a complainer at dinner, ask to be moved – they’ll ruin your mood. If you’re actually cruising with a complainer, however, we have just one question – why?!?!

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Who’s the one person who you’d hate to see on a cruise ship? Let us know here!