The Blaggers Guide to Being a Cruise Ship Godmother
February 27, 2015
Who’d want to be Godmother to a ship? You have to turn up, listen to a whole host of prayers, then you’ll be summarily sacrificed and your blood daubed over the ship to placate the Gods as it embarks on its voyages.
That’s how things used to be (and we can’t imagine people were exactly queuing up for the job!) but fortunately for you all that’s required these days is the ability to smash a bottle of champagne over the hull (fact fans note – symbolically representing your blood) and make a nice speech.
Seems like a bit of a cushy job right?
Well we can’t blame you for wanting it, plenty of us in the www.CRUISE.co.uk offices do too but unfortunately you can’t apply, you need to be asked by a cruise line. Boooo!
That is until we came up with our blaggers guide on how to be a cruise ship Godmother……
Step One: Be Female – It’s sexist we know but clearly the Gods in charge of which ships sail on calm seas and which sail on rough also prefer those of us with the XX chromosome rather than the XY – sorry to all the guys reading this but you’ve already been disqualified!
Step Two: Be Famous – Gone are the days where the local shaman could just round up the most unpopular vestal virgin in the village to sacrifice, these days cruise lines expect a bit of publicity around the naming of their newest ships so if you want to be a Godmother you’re going to need to be famous – at least if you want to name a British ship that is.
Past Godmothers for American ships have included Tinkerbell (the Disney Wonder in ’99), Princess Fiona of Shrek fame (Allure of the Seas ’10) or even the entire cheerleading squad of the Miami Dolphins (Norwegian Getaway ’14). So don’t give up hope yet….. just move to America and see what happens!
Step Three: Wait to be Announced – Warning! Blabbermouths not wanted! Chances are the cruise line won’t just surprise you out of the blue with this by announcing your name.
They’ll ask you first to make sure you’re ok with the idea (and why wouldn’t you be?).
It’s important that you remember that between them asking you and them announcing it you don’t mention it to anyone.
There’s nothing worse than the name of the Godmother for your newest ship being leaked on Twitter before you’re ready to announce so if you do ever get chosen…..Sssshhhhh
Step Four: Turn Up! – Unless you’re Royalty or a bona fide celebrity then this will easily be the biggest thing you ever do in your life – For goodness sake make sure you set your alarm clock that morning!
Or better yet buy a second alarm clock and set that too…or even better than that don’t go to sleep at all – Whatever you do just make sure you turn up on the day!
Step Five: Say the Right Name – There’s a lot of tradition and superstitions behind being a Godmother and one of those is that the name you say will stick. That doesn’t mean you get to pick it, the cruise line will have already done that, but you do have to say it right. If you get it wrong there’s a good chance they won’t ask you back on-board for any future events!
Step Six: Make a Nice Speech – Sorry but I hereby name this ship….. just isn’t going to cut it. You’re going to have to have a nice little speech prepared; long enough to compliment the cruise line and their newest ship but not so long everybody gets bored and falls asleep on you – Don’t apply if you’re scared of public speaking!
Step Seven: Smashing the Champagne – A lot of cruise lines cheat these days and add a very small explosive charge to the bottom of the bottle. Having it hit the hull and not smash is considered bad luck and to be avoided at all costs (who wants to cruise on an unlucky ship)
The good news is that you don’t really need to worry about how hard you swing the bottle; the bad news is that taking a cheeky little sip from the bottle without anyone noticing becomes a lot more dangerous.
Step Eight: Depart Gracefully – OK the ships been named now is waiting to leave port. No one likes a freeloader so hanging around the buffet and drinking all the free wine is generally frowned upon. You’re now Godmother to a cruise ship, try to have a little class and depart gracefully.
Congratulations you now have what must constitute some of the best bragging rights possible – you’re Godmother to a 100,000+ tonne ship
If you’re one of those people that have to keep up with the Jones’ then sit back and relax.
There’s no way anyone is ever topping this!
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