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Joke of the Day

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    Joke of the Day

    Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
    He'd never been to church in his life.
    After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, " Murphy , I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass.
    What made ya come?"
    Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat.
    I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday.
    I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church.
    So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."
    The priest said, "Well, Murphy , I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn 's hat.
    What changed your mind?"
    Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn 's hat after all."
    With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said;
    " After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?"
    Murphy slowly shook his head
    "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ' I remembered where I left me hat."

    Fantastic. I love a good joke in the morning!


      He He He! The old ones are the best! Jan.



        Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please
        leave your message after you hear the beep.

        beeeeeppp ....

        If you are one of our children,
        dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5
        in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.

        If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
        If you want to borrow the car, press 3

        If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4

        If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

        If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

        If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have
        it delivered to your home, press 7

        If you want to come to eat here, press 8

        If you need money, press 9

        If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theatre,
        start talking .... we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"


          And now for a daft one:-

          A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
          and finally they got married, and had a little sweet
          Potato, which they Called 'Yam.'

          Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
          When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

          They warned her about going out and getting half-baked,
          so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad
          name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch
          of Tater Tots

          Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get
          her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

          But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become
          a couch potato either.

          She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like
          her shoestring cousins.

          When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam
          to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.

          And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
          And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians
          so she wouldn't get scalloped.

          Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and
          those high class Jersey Royals, or the ones from the other
          side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks
          that say, McCain.

          Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U.

          (that's Potato University )

          so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
          But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home
          and announced she was going to marry

          Peter Allis

          Mr and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

          They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry
          Peter Allis

          Because he's just.......

          A COMMONTATER!!!


            On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere,
            the following group of people are shipwrecked:-

            2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

            2 French men and 1 French woman

            2 German men and 1 German woman

            2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

            2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

            2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

            2 Chinese men and 1 Chinesewoman

            2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman

            2 Irish men and 1 Irishwoman

            2 English men and 1 English woman

            One month later on the same island in the middle of
            nowhere, the following things have occurred:

            One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

            The two French men and the French woman are living happily
            together in a ménage-à-trois.

            The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of
            alternating visits with the German woman.

            The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the
            Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

            The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean,
            another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

            The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting

            The two Chinese men have set up apharmacy, a liquor store,
            a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant
            in order to supply employees for their stores.

            The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because
            the Australian woman keeps complaining about her body;
            the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything
            they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division
            of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look
            fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated
            her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is
            improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

            The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South
            and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in
            the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres
            of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the
            English aren't having any fun.

            The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them
            to the English woman.


              Why I am Divorced.

              Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
              waking up on that morning.

              I went downstairs for breakfast
              hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
              'Happy Birthday!',
              and possibly have a small present for me.

              As it turned out,
              he barely said good morning,
              let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

              I thought...... well, that's marriage for you,
              but the kids.... they will remember.

              My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast
              and didn't say a word..

              So when I left for the office,
              I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

              As I walked into my office,
              my handsome Boss Rick, said,
              'Good Morning, lady,
              and by the way
              Happy Birthday! '

              It felt a little better
              that at least someone had remembered.

              I worked until one o'clock ,
              when Rick knocked on my door
              and said, 'You know,
              it's such a beautiful day outside,
              and it is your birthday,
              what do you say we go out to lunch,
              just you and me....'

              I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
              that's the greatest thing
              I've heard all day. Let's go!'

              We went to lunch.
              But we didn't go where we normally would go.
              He chose instead a quiet bistro
              with a private table.
              We had two martinis each
              and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

              On the way back to the office,
              Rick said, 'You know,
              it's such a beautiful day...
              we don't need to go straight back to the office,
              do we?'

              I responded, 'I guess not.
              What do you have in mind?'
              He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
              it's just around the corner.'

              After arriving at his house,
              Rick turned to me and said,
              If you don't mind,
              I'm going to step into the bedroom
              for just a moment.
              I'll be right back.'
              'Ok.' I nervously replied.

              He went into the bedroom and,
              after a couple of minutes,
              he came out
              carrying a huge birthday cake ....
              followed by my husband
              my kids, and dozens of my friends
              and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

              And I just sat there....

              On the couch......



                One for the boys

                Men Teaching Classes for Women at

                By December 29, 2013


                Class 1
                Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
                Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
                Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

                Class 2
                Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
                Round Table Discussion.
                Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

                Class 3
                Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
                Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

                Class 4
                Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
                Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

                Class 5
                Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
                Examples on Video.
                Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
                At 7:00 PM

                Class 6
                How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
                Help Line Support and Support Groups.
                Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

                Class 7
                Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
                Open Forum ..
                Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

                Class 8
                Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
                Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

                Class 9
                I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
                Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

                Class 10
                How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
                Driving Simulations.
                4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
                Class 11
                Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
                Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

                Class 12
                How to Shop by Yourself.
                Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
                Last edited by Hampshire Thorn, Fareham; 15th July 2013, 01:49 PM.


                  Nice one, HT! (The other Joke thread seems to have
                  disappeared, hence I started this one.

                  Herewith a link for you, if you haven't seen it before:-

                  Sergio made this shot at Bay Hill earlier

                  .................................................. .................................................. ................

                  WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

                  (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

                  Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little
                  children of their own. They like other people's.

                  A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

                  Grandparents don't have to do anything except be
                  there when we come to see them … They are so old
                  they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive
                  us to the shops and give us money.

                  When they take us for walks, they slow down past
                  things like pretty leaves and caterpillars..

                  They show us and talk to us about the coloors of the f
                  lowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

                  They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

                  Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

                  They wear glasses and funny underwear.

                  They can take their teeth and gums out.

                  Grandparents don't have to be smart.

                  They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't
                  God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

                  When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't
                  mind if we ask for the same story over again.

                  Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially
                  if you don't have television because they are the only
                  grownups who like to spend time with us.

                  They know we should have a snack time before bed time,
                  and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've
                  acted bad.

                  TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

                  It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and
                  they blame their dog !!
                  Last edited by Gill Nickson, Albox; 15th July 2013, 03:49 PM.


                    [QUOTE=Gill Nickson, Albox;543407]Nice one, HT! (The other Joke thread seems to have
                    disappeared, hence I started this one.

                    Herewith a link for you, if you haven't seen it before:-

                    Sergio made this shot at Bay Hill earlier

                    .................................................. .................................................. ................

                    Amazing link Gill, thanks. I couldn't play a shot like that even if I could climb the tree. Loved the commentators "wiil he use a tree iron".


                      You're welcome, HT - glad you lked it!
                      .................................................. .................................................. ....

                      Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large,
                      raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man
                      prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

                      Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
                      across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

                      After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me
                      strength and the tools to cross the river."

                      Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and
                      he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

                      Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,
                      "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
                      this river."

                      Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
                      hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


                        Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side
                        by side in the ocean.

                        Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance..
                        He recognizes it asthe whaling ship that killed his father.

                        Filled with anger, he says to his female companion,
                        "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

                        When they were close enough, the male said,
                        "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through
                        our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces?
                        That will be sweet revenge."

                        And the female agreed to this.

                        So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under
                        the ship and blewenormous amounts of air under the ship.
                        The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and
                        broke into a million pieces.

                        The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized
                        that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of
                        wood and floating in the ocean.

                        The male whale was furious and said to the female whale,
                        "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim
                        around and gulp up all the sailors!"

                        That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at
                        the male and said,

                        "Oh no ... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT
                        swallowing any seamen!"



                          I remember the cheese of my childhood,

                          And the bread that we cut with a knife,

                          When the children helped with the housework,

                          And the men went to work not the wife.

                          The cheese never needed a fridge,

                          And the bread was so crusty and hot,

                          The children were seldom unhappy

                          And the wife was content with her lot.

                          I remember the milk from the bottle,

                          With the yummy cream on the top,

                          Our dinner came hot from the oven,

                          And not from the fridge; in the shop.

                          The kids were a lot more contented,

                          They didn't need money for kicks,

                          Just a game with their mates in the road,

                          And sometimes the Saturday flicks.

                          I remember the shop on the corner,

                          Where a pen'orth of sweets was sold

                          Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic?

                          Or is it....I'm just getting old?

                          I remember the 'loo' was the lav,

                          And the bogy man came in the night,

                          It wasn't the least bit funny

                          Going "out back" with no light.

                          The interesting items we perused,

                          From the newspapers cut into squares,

                          And hung on a peg in the loo,

                          It took little to keep us amused.

                          The clothes were boiled in the copper,

                          With plenty of rich foamy suds

                          But the ironing seemed never ending

                          As Mum pressed everyone's 'duds'.

                          I remember the slap on my backside,

                          And the taste of soap if I swore

                          Anorexia and diets weren't heard of

                          And we hadn't much choice what we wore.

                          Do you think that bruised our ego?

                          Or our initiative was destroyed?

                          We ate what was put on the table

                          And I think life was better enjoyed.



                            Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

                            Looking up, he asks the Lord. 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'

                            The Lord replies, 'A minute.'

                            Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'

                            The Lord replies, 'A penny.'

                            'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'

                            'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

                            John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me
                            one last request, dear,' he said.

                            'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.

                            'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'

                            'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.

                            With his last breath John said, 'I do!'


                            A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is
                            happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

                            The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'

                            The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'

                            The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'

                            The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
                            poisoning me, what should I do?'

                            The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
                            I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

                            A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to
                            her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'

                            The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison!'


                              A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar
                              and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men
                              sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,
                              leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and

                              'I went by your grandma's house today and
                              I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
                              Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

                              The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
                              His buddies are confused, because he is one bad
                              biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

                              The drunk leans on the table again and says:
                              'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
                              the best I ever had!'

                              The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
                              but the biker still says nothing.

                              The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
                              'I'll tell you something else, boy,
                              your grandma liked it!'

                              At this point the biker stands up,
                              takes the drunk by the shoulders
                              looks him square in the eyes and says....................

                              'Grandpa;.......... Go home!


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