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Joke of the Day

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  • Gill Nickson, Albox
    started a topic Joke of the Day

    Joke of the Day


    Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
    He'd never been to church in his life.
    After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, " Murphy , I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass.
    What made ya come?"
    Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat.
    I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday.
    I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church.
    So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."
    The priest said, "Well, Murphy , I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn 's hat.
    What changed your mind?"
    Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn 's hat after all."
    With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said;
    " After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?"
    Murphy slowly shook his head
    "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ' I remembered where I left me hat."


  • Gill Nickson, Albox
    replied
    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST





    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

    Leave a comment:


  • Gill Nickson, Albox
    replied
    An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated
    he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

    A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope
    hide.

    The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two storey teepee,
    made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried,
    unsuccessfully.

    Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

    "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

    The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the
    squaws of the other two hides."

    Leave a comment:


  • Gill Nickson, Albox
    replied
    The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

    Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

    But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel,

    and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed

    the animal.




    He said that he was willing to prove it if they would pay for the drinks and so, the bet was on.

    They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.




    After feeling it for a few moments, he announced,

    “Bear.”

    Then he felt the bullet hole and declared,

    “Shot with a .308 rifle.”

    He was right.




    They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.

    He took a bit longer this time and then said,

    “Elk, shot with a 7mm mag rifle.”

    He was right again.




    The night went on, with him proving his skills again and again against a round of drinks.

    Finally, he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep.




    The next morning, he got up and saw in the mirror, that he had one hell of a shiner.

    He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not

    remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?”




    His wife snapped at him,




    “I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties.”

    Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”

    Leave a comment:


  • Barrowman, Bedford
    replied
    Three men are travelling through the desert and they are very thirsty. They come to a mysterious water slide in the middle of the desert with instructions at the top: “Slide down and yell the drink of your choice and at the bottom, you will find a pool of that beverage.”

    The three men are very excited. The first man slides down and yells “Milk!” He then falls into a pool of water.

    The next man goes down and yells “Lemonade!” He falls into a pool full of it.

    The final man goes down and overwhelmed with excitement he yells “Weeee!”

    Leave a comment:


  • Gill Nickson, Albox
    replied
    While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cosy. It's the best way to travel
    that I can think of."

    The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by... When the first flea shows
    up in Cairns he shivering and shaking again.

    The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

    "Yes," says the first flea. "I did exactly what you said. I went to the Melbourne airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this
    nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When
    I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."

    Leave a comment:


  • Gill Nickson, Albox
    replied

    This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said,"Where are you going?"

    He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

    And she said, "Why, are you sick?"

    "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra Pills".

    So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

    She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

    He said, "Why?"

    She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again I'm going to get a tet**** shot!"

    Leave a comment:


  • Gill Nickson, Albox
    replied
    I went to a pub yesterday evening and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code
    because I needed to check a message.

    "Oh no" he said, "No wifi in here, people used to sit talking in pubs, about their day, their families, work, politics, music,
    the lot. Now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see. Therefore, no wifi in this pub."

    "You know what?" I replied, "You're right" and I put my phone away.

    "Thank you", the landlord said "In this pub I want you to act as you would 25 years ago".

    So I lit a cigarette, gave him 50p for the pint and said "Two can play at that game mate."

    Leave a comment:


  • Gill Nickson, Albox
    replied
    Late at night, a policeman noticed a lad and a girl in a parked car.

    He asked the lad “What are you doing?”

    He replied, “Reading.”

    He asked the girl “What are you doing?”

    She replied, “Knitting.”

    The policeman then asked her “May I ask how old you are, miss?”

    Well,” glancing at her watch, “In 15 minutes I'll be 16 years old.”

    Leave a comment:


  • Gill Nickson, Albox
    replied
    DUI - TEXAS STYLE

    From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked
    outside a bar in Austin , Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he
    could barely walk.

    The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an
    eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
    He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

    Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and
    off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

    He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes As some
    more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

    At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

    The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly
    pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

    To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

    Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment
    must be broken.'

    'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

    Leave a comment:


  • Gill Nickson, Albox
    replied
    Fellow guys - tell me honestly - do you all hate going clothes shopping with your wives or is it just me?

    For example, the other day I was as usual being reluctantly dragged from store to store "to give my
    honest opinion" on her clothing choices.

    So in one shop my lovely wife went over to the changing room to try on a dress that she had spotted
    in the sale rack.

    A couple of minutes later she came back and said, "It's just too small, I couldn't get into it"

    So I said, "Never mind darling, the dress probably wouldn't have fitted you either."

    ...and that's when it all kicked off.

    Leave a comment:


  • Gill Nickson, Albox
    replied


    Last night I was out for a few drinks and a meal. One thing led to another and I had a few too many beers
    and then went onto the wine, finishing with coffee and brandy. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit,
    I decided to leave my car and took a bus home.

    Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser
    tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.

    I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I’ve never driven a bus before and
    I am not even sure where I got it from. Now it’s parked outside my house and I don’t know what to do with it!

    Leave a comment:


  • Gill Nickson, Albox
    replied
    A man was about to go into a pub for a drink, when this nun standing outside starts telling him about
    the dangers of alcohol. He asked if she had ever had an alcoholic beverage, to which she replied, no

    He then invites her to come inside and have a drink with him,

    She says I can't go into a pub, what would Father Murphy say if he found out I was in a pub?!?

    He says I'll bring you a pint out to you,

    she says I can't be seen drinking in public and beer just sounds so not tasty...I need something that a
    lady might like

    He says I'll, get you a sherry,

    She says that sounds nice, but to put it in a teacup so no one will know what I'm drinking.

    The man goes in and orders a pint of stout and a sherry in a teacup. ..the barkeeper says, is that
    feckin nun outside again?!?

    Leave a comment:


  • Gill Nickson, Albox
    replied
    I walked into a chemist shop and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
    The woman I was speaking with said, she was the only pharmacist and
    since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

    She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred
    to speak with a male pharmacist.

    She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it
    was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat
    me with a high level of professionalism.

    I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “As a shy man, this is tough for
    me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than
    four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe
    embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

    The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

    When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the
    absolute best we can do:

    * 1/3 ownership in the store,
    * a company Range Rover,
    * a king size bed and
    * £3,000 a month in living expenses."

    Leave a comment:


  • Gill Nickson, Albox
    replied
    Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
    By Pam Ayres

    Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
    Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
    Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
    Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
    Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
    It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
    And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
    Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

    Cos tits can be such troublesome things
    When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
    And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
    I wish I'd looked after me tits.

    When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
    When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
    When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
    Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

    When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
    From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
    Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
    Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

    When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
    Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
    Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
    I wish I'd looked after me tits.

    When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
    When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
    When people see less of them rather than more,
    Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

    Leave a comment:


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