Joke of the Day

[Old Sea Dog, Stockport]

.
When I die, I want to go like my granddad. Peacefully in his sleep.............................Unlike the passengers in his car.

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

I Love My Job.......

This is even funnier when you realize it is real. Next time you have a bad day at work
think of this guy. Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM
dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below...

~Hi Sharon,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you
to make you realise it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of
my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.
It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a
diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water
out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver
through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down
the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in
a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I
scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the
hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish
and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the
crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions
were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water
decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin
my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of
the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream
and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh!t for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you
had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!! Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Remember, too: It was also a BAD DAY for the jellyfish!

[Old Sea Dog, Stockport]

.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

A Physician was speaking about the dangers of certain foods to a large group in Florida.

He told them, "You have to be aware of hidden dangers. Hydrogenated fats are killers.

Soda pop melts your tooth enamel and eats away your stomach lining.

Most prepared foods are high in sugar, salt, and MSG. Even our drinking water can be
harmful if not pure enough.

"But there's one food that's the most dangerous of all. Can anybody tell me what food
causes the most grief and suffering even years after consuming it?"

The audience was silent until an older man in the second row spoke up and said,

"Wedding Cake?"

[Old Sea Dog, Stockport]

.
I've made my password 'incorrect'. So whenever I forget it, my computer reminds me by saying "Your password is incorrect".

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

It was in Fair Oak a policeman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking the Village Motor Co a used car lot, he came
upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the
car or were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get
screwed .....so we're just waiting.

[Old Sea Dog, Stockport]

.
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS 460 when he spotted
a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service
manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The
mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine.
I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then
put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing
basically the same work?” The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic,

"Try doing it with the engine running.”

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

Odds'n'sods

Q/ What do cannibals eat?
A/ Baked beings
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

A blind man has been arrested for
having sex with his guide dog.

He claims it led him on.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

My dog won't play fetch with
my frying-pan.

It must be non-stick.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Q/ What do you call a pigf*cker
with three eyes?

A/ Daviiid Cameron
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Q/ What's the difference between
a hippo and a zippo?
A/ One's really heavy and the
other's a little lighter.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A sheep, a drum and a snake fall
off a cliff.

Baa-dum-Tsss.
>>>>>>>>>>>>

Q/ What do you get if you
cross a robot with a pirate?

A/ Aaarrrr2D2
<<<<<<<<<<<<<

My wife and I had a huge row last
night. She called me gullible and
financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see her face
when I tell her that I just
won the Nigerian lottery.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

I've got an inferiority complex.
But frankly, it's not a
very good one.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
I told my boyfriend I wanted
something for my birthday that
went from 0 to 80 in under
four seconds.


He bought me some bathroom scales.
>>>>>>>>>>>>
My local ice cream man was found
dead in his van. He was covered
in strawberry sauce and hundreds
and thousands, and had a flake
sticking out of his ear.


Police say he topped himself.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
I've just played the UKIP
version of Cluedo.


It was the immigrants,
all the time, everywhere.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 miles?
YOU could be entitled to compensation.


Call the Pro Claimers NOW.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Surprise at the first Tory cabinet
meeting that there's three empty
seats. Turns out David Cameron
has sacked Grant Shapps…

>>>>>>>>>>>
Just asked Siri for a wake up call.


She sent me a photo of me.
Surrounded by empty crisp bags
and cats.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
RIP Professor John Nash.
He's with the angles now.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Q: Why are gay men like
tupperware?
A: There's never enough
tops for the bottoms.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
My son wanted to know what it
was like to live in Greece.


So I took his pocket money off him.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Angela Merkel arrives in Athens
airport.
"Nationality?" asks the
immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Q: Did you hear about the chameleon
who couldn't change colour?


A: He had a reptile dysfunction.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What with Bobbi Kristina Brown
and Cilla Black dying,
Pink is starting to **** herself.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Q/ What happens when a piano
falls down a mine shaft?
A/ A flat miner

[Hampshire Thorn, Fareham]

Low Battery: A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.


Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £2.50/min (charges may vary).


If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.


They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.


A wealthy Jewish husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. “Ours is prettier," she replies.

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into
the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release
me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that
there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get
10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most
handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he
will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,
"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer
than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story:

Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.

[Hampshire Thorn, Fareham]

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

Random Reflections:

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their
father

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common
sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown
around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much
better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just
feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please, when they want something.
I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone
I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS
WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA…FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS
AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE
KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE
SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS
WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL
HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL
EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS?
ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK
MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT
THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS:
THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

(This one took me a minute)

23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST
DROWN TOO?

25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU
STILL BE HUNGRY?

26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF
"ASSTEROIDS"?

29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES
HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

33. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS
CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?