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Joke of the Day

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    Thanks, LMM. Good to know at least one person appreciates my efforts!

    .................................................. .................................................. ...........................

    Boris Johnson dies...

    His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnson.

    “I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

    "But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."

    "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

    The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped him out over the years.......
    The whole of the "Right" was there. .
    Everyone laughing...happy...casually but expensively dressed.
    They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar.

    The Devil himself comes up to Johnson with a frosty drink, "Have a Marguerita and relax, Boris!"

    "Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight," says Johnson, dejectedly.

    "This is Hell, Boris: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"

    Johnson takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad.

    They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Johnson steps on the elevator and heads upward.
    When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

    So for 24 hours, Johnson is made to chill with a bunch of honest,

    good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently.
    Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!
    Worst of all, to Johnson, Jesus turns out to be some kind of hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff.

    "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!"

    The day is done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

    With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Johnson reflects for a minute, then answers:
    "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this - I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all - but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

    So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

    The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of barren scorched earth called Brexit Britain covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...
    He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
    The Devil comes over to Johnson and puts an arm around his shoulder.

    "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Johnson, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and
    caviar....drank cocktails.
    We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

    The Devil looks at him smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us"


      One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Joey standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
      It was covered with names and had small United States flags mounted on both sides of it.

      The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy,
      and said quietly, “Good morning, Joey.”

      “Good morning Father,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Father, what is this?”

      The pastor said, “Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

      Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Joey’s voice, barely audible and trembling
      with fear, asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30


        A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
        He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
        Because her jacket is folded neatly beside her he can’t see any logos so he decides to have a go at picking
        her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

        He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto: 'To Fly. To Serve'.

        The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

        He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

        Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

        Undeterred, he tries a third time, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:'Going beyond expectations'.

        The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the f**k do you want?'

        'Ah ha!' he says, "Ryanair


          A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar,
          walked over to her and kissed her.

          She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you
          were my wife. You look exactly like her."

          "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

          "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."


            A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
            One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
            'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

            'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

            'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the
            least of your problems!'

            So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the
            pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started
            running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

            Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small
            group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

            Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

            'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

            Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

            'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my
            car to go home!'

            Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

            'Nope.. just when it's raining'.


              Sure to offend some of you!

              One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a scouser all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings,
              and that there was only one room left for them to share.

              The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which
              the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.

              They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he’d sleep in the barn.
              The Hindu and the scouser were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door.

              It was the Jew. "I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a pig in that barn and because I’m Jewish I feel uncomfortable about
              sharing the barn with it.”

              “No problem,” said the Hindu. “I’ll sleep out there instead.” So off he went to the barn, leaving the scouser and the
              Jew to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu.

              “I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a cow in that barn and because I’m a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the
              barn with it.”

              The scouser grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share
              the room.

              The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door...............................

              It was the cow and the pig.


                My youngest has just come downstairs from watching TV in his bedroom . He said " dad , what's love juice? " .

                After nearly choking on my brew , I though I'd better be honest and said " son , sit down I will tell you. When
                a women gets sexually excited , her ****** gets wet , and that's love juice".

                He just stared back at me in total bewilderment.

                I said " anyway, what are you watching up in your bedroom?"

                He said " Wimbledon, Dad".


                  A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian were in a bar, just started a new round,
                  when a fly landed in each glass of beer.

                  The Englishman took his out on the blade of his Swiss Army knife.

                  The Australian blew his away in a cloud of froth.

                  The Scotsman lifted his carefully by the wings holding it above the glass "Go on,
                  spit it oot, ye wee devil" he growled


                    An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.

                    When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War Two, a
                    beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide
                    her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

                    The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

                    "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a
                    week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

                    The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great
                    danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
                    However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

                    "Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

                    "And what is that?" asked the priest.

                    "Should I tell her the war is over?'


                      An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel. Along the way, they saw a
                      Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Motorcycle very fast,
                      made in Japan." Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said,
                      "Car very fast, made in Japan." When they reached the destination the fare was 1500

                      The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver
                      why the ride was so expensive.

                      The driver said, "Meter very fast, made in India.".


                        The Sweet Science

                        He plays sweet as sugar with either hand . It’s in his blood . He’s ambidextrose .

                        For the noir film festival , concessions included milk balls shaped like birds , Maltose Falcons.

                        The coach handed out lollipops for valiant efforts after the double overtime loss . Sucrose , but no cigar

                        At the Phish concert in StockholmI, I had acid laced gummies . I saw my feet disappear before my eyes .
                        They must have been sweetened with lactose .


                          A mother and her son go to church and the son says “Mum, I have to go pee!”

                          The mum says “You shouldn’t say that in church. From now on just say you have to whisper.”

                          The next week when the boy’s father takes him to church the boy says “Dad, I have to whisper.”

                          The dad replies “Okay… Just whisper into my ear.”
                          Cruisings Cool


                            Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

                            When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the
                            angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ...
                            Could you help me?"

                            "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the
                            first time in years.

                            The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He
                            asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight.

                            The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit
                            the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

                            When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't
                            touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension!"


                              A lawyer boarded an airplane in Dublin with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to
                              take care of them for him.

                              She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's fridge.

                              Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

                              Shortly before landing in London, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the
                              lawyer who gave me the crabs in Dublin, please raise your hand?"

                              Not one hand went up.... So she took them home and enjoyed them.

                              Two lessons here:
                              1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
                              2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.


                                He came home from work last night and told me that he'd been given a huge promotion at work which
                                meant he got his own office and get to employ his own private secretary.

                                "Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," I said, "I don't want you choosing someone
                                who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."

                                "That's fair enough," he replied, "When can you start?"

                                He should be out of hospital in a few days


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