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Joke of the Day

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    So I went to a pub yesterday evening and ordered a pint.

    As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code because I needed to check a message.

    "Oh no" he said, "No wifi in here, people used to sit talking in pubs, about their day, their families, work,
    politics, music, the lot Now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see. Therefore,
    no wifi in this pub."

    "You know what?" I replied, "You're right" and I put my phone away.

    "Thank you", the landlord said "In this pub I want you to act as you would twenty years ago".

    So I lit a cigarette, gave him 50p for the pint and said: "Two can play at that game mate."

    Comment



      James had smelly feet. They stank. In fact, they were so smelly and he was so embarrassed about them that he
      felt he would never be able to marry.

      Mary had a chronic case of halitosis. Her breath ponged.
      She was so self-conscious about it that she always held a handkerchief in front of her mouth.

      One day, James and Mary met.
      They began a courtship that progressed without either one of them knowing about the other’s problem.
      James never took his shoes off; Mary never took her handkerchief away from her mouth.
      They married.

      On their wedding night, James was in the bathroom.
      He had taken with him all manner of things to quell his smelly feet, and after scrubbing and deodorizing, it was
      Mary’s turn to use the bathroom.
      She was equally nervous and had brought with her an array of mouth fresheners and mints to sweeten her breath.
      Mary was in the bathroom when James remembered — to his horror — that he’d left his smelly socks in there.
      There seemed to be nothing left to do but confess to his smelly feet.

      Mary was thinking the same thing. “I must tell him about my condition now,” she thought.
      She opened the bathroom door and there stood James.

      “I have something I must tell you,” she blurted.

      “I know,” said James, getting a whiff of her breath that nearly made him pass out,…
      “You’ve eaten my socks.”

      Comment


        A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait
        to go out on the town and party with his old buddies ..So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

        'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.

        'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

        The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
        She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12
        different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

        The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but
        at the bar......you know...they have frozen glasses.....'

        He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
        'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
        She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

        The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are
        really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

        You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
        chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

        'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know....there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

        'You want dirty words, Di*c#khe#ad? Drink your f******g beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your
        mother******g snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f*****g going anywhere! Got it, A**$$$ole?'

        So he stayed home..............
        ...........and, they lived happily ever after ...

        Comment


          Paddy and Murphy are looking for a job in the middle of winter when paddy sees job advertised on a
          building site.when he gets to the site the foreman is warming his hands up over a fire.paddy sez to the
          foreman “have you got a job “to which the foreman sez “yes but you have got to pass an iq test first “

          the foreman puts one hand up and sez how many fingers am I holding up “to which paddy sez” 5”and
          then the foreman puts both hands up and asks the same question to which paddy replies “10”
          The foreman sez start to morrow at 08.00

          Well paddy goes back to Murphy and tells him what happened and tells Murphy that when the foreman
          holds one hand up you say 5 and when he holds both hands up you say 10

          Armed with this information Murphy starts walking up to the foreman who is still warming his hands up
          Murphy shrieks “oh for Jesus Christ sake, don’t be shuffling them up “.

          Comment


            A man goes to his doctor and says, “Please help me! I’ve got a problem.”

            The doctor examines the man and finds a red ring around his *****.

            The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.

            “It’s all cleared up,” the man reports when he returns. “What was that medication you gave me?”

            “Lipstick remover.”
            sigpic
            Cruisings Cool

            Comment


              Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

              1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
              2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
              3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.
              4. Dogs' parents never visit.
              5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
              6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
              7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.
              8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
              9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
              10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
              11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.
              13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.
              15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
              And last, but not least:
              If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.

              To verify these statements:
              Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
              Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you....

              Comment



                A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
                'Not yet momma,' said the little boy.
                His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the
                chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
                He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in
                for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
                'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
                'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig,
                so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

                Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks
                up at his mother with a smile, and says: 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?

                Comment


                  Two blokes are in hospital in adjoining beds, waiting to go into theatre
                  One says to the other “What you in for”?

                  The other replies “Endoscopy”

                  “What’s that then”? the first bloke asks.

                  “They’ll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers or even cancers.

                  What you in for”? replies the second bloke.

                  “Camera up my bum" says the first bloke.

                  “Do you mean a Colonoscopy”? says the second bloke

                  “Nah”, says the first bloke, “The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing
                  nude in her back garden”

                  Comment


                    Old Muldoon, lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his faithful pet dog Benji for company:
                    Sadly one day his beloved dog died and Muldoon went to the parish priest to tell him and said.
                    "Faither, my beloved dog and best Benji just passed away. "Could ya' be saying a Mass for the poor
                    creature Faither?"

                    Sadly shaking his head father Patrick put his hand on Muldoon's shoulder and replied. "I'm afraid
                    not my friend. Sadly the Vatican rules do not allow us, we cannot have church services for an animal.
                    But there are some Baptists down the lane and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll
                    be able to do something for the poor creature."

                    Muldoon stood up thanked the priest, shook hands and said. "That's a shame Faither to be sure.
                    But thanks fur the suggestion about them Baptists, I'll go an check wi them right away. Faither,
                    do ya think £5,000 wid be enough tae gi tae them fur the service or should I offer some mair?"

                    Father Patrick exclaimed. "Bejaysus, Sweet Mary Mother of Jesus Muldoon! Why the hell didn't
                    ya tell me the dog was a Catholic?

                    Comment


                      Patrick's wife has never had an orgasm so they decide to go to the doctors...
                      After tests the Doctor suggests Paddy's wife may be overheating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan
                      because they too expensive.

                      Instead he suggests to his missus that he gets his mate, big Mick round to waft a towel on them during
                      sex.
                      After 20 minutes of Paddy pumping away and Mick wafting the towel, still no orgasm,

                      So his missus suggests a swap. "Paddy" why dont you let Mick shag me and you waft the towel.'
                      Paddy agrees "yes anything to help you wife of mine"

                      Mick pulls his hoggars down and is hung like a Scarbro donkey and within seconds Paddy's wife is
                      screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.

                      Paddy turns to his mate Mick slowly and out of breath and says
                      " And yes Mick my auld son that is how you waft a fecking towel!'

                      Comment


                        I failed my written driving test four times on the same question, I was determined to pass at my fifth attempt
                        but the paper had the same question.

                        You are driving at 70 mph there is a cliff on the left hand side, on the right there’s a brick wall. On the road
                        there is an old man and a young man. What will you hit?


                        I said to the examiner “I have answered the question all four ways the cliff, the wall, the old man, the young
                        man. How can I be wrong every time ?” What should I have hit?”

                        He said, "the brakes!"

                        Comment


                          Seriously, only in London! You will not believe what just happened. I walked into a petrol station to get some juice.
                          As I was walking in the door, I noticed the police parked on the side of the building, watching this man who was
                          smoking a fag while pumping his petrol....... I know, What a complete Pleb. Anyway, I go inside, get my drink, and
                          as the cashier gives me my change I hear someone screaming. I look out the window and see this man's arm is on
                          fire. He was swinging his arm and running around like a crazy man.

                          I hurried outside and saw the copper had the guy on the ground and was putting the fire out with his coffee.
                          Then he proceeded to handcuff him and put him in the back of his car . I thought to myself, "How stupid are you
                          to smoke while pumping petrol ?!?!". Did he really think nothing was going to happen?!?!

                          Being the nosey ******* I am, I asked the copper what he was charging him with. He looked me dead in the face,
                          and said, "waving a firearm!"

                          Comment


                            Did you hear about the guy who dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow?

                            When he woke up, his pillow was gone.
                            sigpic
                            Cruisings Cool

                            Comment



                              First off, THANK YOU EVERYONE for your concern.

                              I'm ok, just a bit shaken up, but l'll be ok. For those of you who don't know what happened, I was robbed yesterday morning
                              at the petrol station, filling up the car. I eventually gathered myself together but my hands were still shaking, I was dizzy and I
                              honestly think I was in shock. My money was gone.

                              I called the police, they were fantastic and called for medical assistance as my blood pressure was through the roof.

                              The police asked me if I knew who did it, and I told them "Yes, it was pump number 4 ”

                              Comment


                                Originally posted by Gill Nickson, Albox View Post
                                First off, THANK YOU EVERYONE for your concern.

                                I'm ok, just a bit shaken up, but l'll be ok. For those of you who don't know what happened, I was robbed yesterday morning
                                at the petrol station, filling up the car. I eventually gathered myself together but my hands were still shaking, I was dizzy and I
                                honestly think I was in shock. My money was gone.

                                I called the police, they were fantastic and called for medical assistance as my blood pressure was through the roof.

                                The police asked me if I knew who did it, and I told them "Yes, it was pump number 4 ”
                                Fabulous and very topical.

                                Well constructed - you had me concerned until the punchline .

                                LMM


                                Lawnmowerman

                                Comment


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