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Joke of the Day

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    Old age

    I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work.
    I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's licence and
    my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne

    Life is great.

    Comment


      Bill pulled up a stool at his favourite bar and announced.
      “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”

      The bartender inquired.
      “What makes you say that?”

      Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."
      "Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came
      by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My
      husband’s home!’”

      Such Affection, So Much Love!

      Comment


        A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"
        His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed
        explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

        When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrolment form which he had brought home
        from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

        Comment



          A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
          The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
          attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

          "Emma come first.
          Den I come.
          Den two asses come together.
          I come once-a-more! .
          Two asses, they come together again.
          I come again and pee twice.
          Then I come one lasta time."

          The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.
          "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."

          "Hey, coola down lady," said the Italian man.

          "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

          Comment


            Observations

            If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

            Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

            Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

            Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

            At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.

            I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

            Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

            Comment


              Did you hear about the guy with five peanises (had to add the 'a')

              His pants fit him like a glove.........
              sigpic
              Cruisings Cool

              Comment


                Of course - musn't upset the Nanny Police!!!

                BEN, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Dustin Johnson, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them.
                He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus.

                Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?
                Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope.”
                Frustrated as all get out, Ben stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new
                golf shoes
                Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

                Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Ben, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and i
                t'll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

                Furious, Ben yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?"

                "Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

                "IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”

                Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You should have bought a new hat."

                Comment


                  Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems. Every time they would do it, she would complain about splinters, so Pinocchio went to Gepetto about the problem.

                  Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sex with his girlfriend.

                  A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, “So how’s it going with your girlfriend?”

                  Pinocchio said, “Who needs a girlfriend?”
                  sigpic
                  Cruisings Cool

                  Comment


                    Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
                    She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet
                    .
                    "Hello"? She cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder.... But still no answer.

                    Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

                    Then she heard a voice from far away: "Hello, we're down here...."

                    Comment


                      A woman who lives next to a railway line complains to the council that every time a train comes by her house
                      shakes violently. The council send a man round to check. When a train goes by nothing happens.

                      The woman says you have to be upstairs in bed to feel it The man goes up stairs and lays on the bed. Next
                      minute the woman's husband comes home and goes upstairs. He sees the man laying on the bed and says
                      what are you up to?

                      The man says,you're not going to believe this but I'm waiting for a train.

                      Comment


                        Hoover!

                        Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter,
                        "Hoover!" under his breath.

                        On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.

                        On the third hole, a miracle occured & Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"

                        He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!"

                        By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".
                        "It's the biggest dam I know." he replied.

                        Comment


                          Two children were in a doctor’s waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

                          “Why are you crying?” asked the little boy.

                          “I’m here for a blood test, and they’re going to cut my finger,” said the girl.

                          When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

                          “Why are you crying?” asked the girl.

                          The boy looked at her worriedly and said, “I’m here for a urine test.”
                          sigpic
                          Cruisings Cool

                          Comment


                            Three women have just entered heaven, and are standing in front of an angel and St. Peter to find out what
                            kinds of special privileges they’ll have while there.

                            He says to the women, “I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?”

                            The first woman answers “I have only had sex with one man, my husband. And our first time was on our wedding
                            night.” St. Peter turns to the angel and says “Ah, a woman who has lived as God intended, and certainly deserving
                            of reward. Give her a key to the golden room.”

                            The second woman says, “I have never known a man’s touch. I was a nun, and stayed in the sisterhood since I
                            was only a young lass.”

                            St. Peter turned to the angel and said “Truly exceptional, a woman who has gone above and beyond in service
                            of God. Give her a key to the platinum room!”

                            The third woman says “I f*cked 239 dudes: 67 before I met my husband, 35 while we were dating, 12 while we
                            were engaged, 78 while we were married and 46 after he died.”

                            St. Peter stood stunned for a second, then leaned over to the angel and whispered, “Give her a key to my room."

                            Comment


                              The RSM.

                              A young guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace. The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen
                              is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back
                              you let me know".

                              "Yes sir " says the young guardsman. So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the guardsman stops
                              the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "

                              "No I'm princess Ann"

                              "ok sorry to delay you, proceed".

                              The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "

                              "No I'm princessMargaret"."

                              Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed. Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window,
                              "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?."

                              "Yes I'm the Queen".

                              Right" he says. "Well make yourself scarce, love, cos the RSM is looking for you"

                              Comment


                                Little Johnny, Billy, and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day.
                                As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through
                                a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.

                                As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and
                                took off running for home.

                                The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence
                                and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnny started screaming
                                and ran off quickly.

                                On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when
                                Johnny turned around and started to run again.

                                But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.

                                Johnny replied, “My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn
                                to stone… And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard!

                                Comment


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