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Joke of the Day

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    Englishman: "That your dog?"

    Welshman: "Aye"

    Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

    Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

    Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

    Dog: "Doing all right."

    Welshman: (look of shock)

    Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

    Dog: "Yep."
    Englishman: How's he treating you?"

    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a
    week to play."

    Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

    Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

    Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”

    Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"

    Horse: "Cool."

    Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

    Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)

    Horse: "Yep."


    Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a
    nice stable to protect me from the weather."

    Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

    Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?

    Welshman: "That sheep's a flipping liar!!”

    Comment


      More acid one liners from Joan Rivers

      My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

      I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

      Not all plastic surgeons are good. My cousin went to one and told him she wanted to
      turn back the hands of time. Now she has a face that could stop a clock
      .
      Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

      I wish I had a twin so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

      Comment



        How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?


        These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people
        actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and published by court
        reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were
        taking place.

        ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
        WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
        ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
        WITNESS: My name is Susan!

        _______________________________
        ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
        WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
        ____________________________________________
        ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
        WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
        ____________________________________________
        ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
        WITNESS: July 18th
        ATTORNEY: What year?
        WITNESS: Every year.
        _____________________________________
        ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
        WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
        ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
        WITNESS: Forty-five years.
        _________________________________
        ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
        WITNESS: Yes.
        ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
        WITNESS: I forget..
        ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
        ___________________________________________
        ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

        he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
        WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
        ____________________________________


        ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
        WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

        Comment


          During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan.

          They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

          She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

          There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

          As they are walking out, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”
          sigpic
          Cruisings Cool

          Comment


            More Disorder in Court
            ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

            WITNESS: Are you sh!tting me?
            ---------------------------------------------------------------

            ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
            WITNESS: Yes.
            ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
            WITNESS: Getting laid
            ____________________________________________


            ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
            WITNESS: Yes.
            ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
            WITNESS: None.
            ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
            WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
            ____________________________________________
            ATTORNEY: How was our first marriage terminated?
            WITNESS: By death..
            ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
            WITNESS: Take a guess.
            ___________________________________________


            ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
            WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
            ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
            WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
            ______________________________________
            ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
            WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
            _________________________________________
            ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
            WITNESS: Oral...
            _________________________________________
            ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
            WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
            ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
            WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

            ______________________________________
            And last:


            ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
            WITNESS: No.
            ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
            WITNESS: No.
            ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
            WITNESS: No..
            ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

            WITNESS: No.
            ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
            WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
            ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, neverntheless?
            WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
            ================================

            Comment


              Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.

              “Oh, no,” said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. “Was it with Marie Brown?”

              “I’d rather not say who it was.”

              “Was it with Betty Smith?”

              “I’d rather not say,” says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe’s friend asks if he received absolution.

              “Yes, and two very good leads!”
              sigpic
              Cruisings Cool

              Comment


                One day three men are out having a relaxing day fishing, when suddenly they catch a mermaid. After hauling the mermaid up in a net, she promises that if the men set her free, in return she will grant each of them a wish.

                The first man doesn’t believe it so he says, “Alright, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ.” The mermaid says, “Done” and suddenly, the first man starts to flawlessly recite Shakespeare and analyze
                it with extreme insight.

                The second man is so amazed, he looks at the mermaid and says, “Triple my IQ.” The mermaid says, “Done” and the second man starts to recite solutions to all of the mathematical problems that have been stumping all of the scientists in various fields from physics to chemistry, etc.

                The third man is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, he says to the mermaid: “Quintuple my IQ.”

                The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you’d reconsider.”

                The man responds, “Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”

                “Please,” said the mermaid “You don’t know what you’re asking…it’ll change your entire view of the universe. Won’t you ask for something else… a million dollars, anything?”

                But no matter what the mermaid said, the third man insisted on having his IQ increased by five times it’s usual power.

                So the mermaid finally relented and said, “Done.”

                The third man became a woman......

                Comment


                  I recently spent £6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just
                  ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than
                  he was worth.

                  Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just
                  a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows
                  within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows!

                  He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . .but, they taste like peppermint.

                  Comment


                    Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.

                    “Oh, no,” said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. “Was it with Marie Brown?”

                    “I’d rather not say who it was.”

                    “Was it with Betty Smith?”

                    “I’d rather not say,” says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church,

                    Joe’s friend asks if he received an absolution.

                    “Yes, and two excellent leads!”
                    sigpic
                    Cruisings Cool

                    Comment


                      What a Lovely Story!
                      This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers.

                      A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
                      The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
                      She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
                      They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

                      At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing $10 in 50c coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

                      At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

                      'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

                      The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

                      'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

                      The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously: 'I think so. Provided those ******s at Boral deliver the frigg*in bricks on time.'

                      Comment


                        A woman walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.

                        The guy says, “No, ma’am.”

                        She says, “Well, do you have any dates?”

                        He replies, “Ma’am if I don’t have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?”
                        sigpic
                        Cruisings Cool

                        Comment


                          63 and pregnant

                          A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes
                          in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

                          She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

                          An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her
                          down and sat her in another room.

                          Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "Whats wrong with you?" he demanded.
                          This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was
                          pregnant?!!"

                          The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the
                          hiccups?"

                          Comment


                            A beautiful woman is sitting next to the little johnny on a plane.

                            There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nosedive.

                            The Captain comes on the intercom and says

                            “I hate to have to tell you this folk, but we might not walk away from this one.”

                            Everyone begins to panic except for johnny who sheepishly turns to the woman

                            and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed

                            anyone.”

                            The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well

                            make the kid happy in their final moments.

                            She passionately kisses him.

                            Johnny, elated, goes on,

                            “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve

                            never felt a breast.”

                            Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides

                            his hand under her shirt.

                            After a good long feel, the little Johnny again says

                            “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having gotten

                            a blow job.”

                            Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die,

                            the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt.

                            Just then the plane levels off.

                            As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate

                            him.

                            The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from

                            certain death.”

                            The Little Johnny shouts “just a little longer next time dad!”

                            Comment


                              Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him:

                              Then one day he met a girl and fell in love.

                              When it became apparent that they would get married, he thought to himself. "She is such a sweet gentle girl, who would never go for this kind of carrying on." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans.

                              Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than he could stand. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured that he could work off any ill effects from the beans by the time he reached home.
                              So he stopped at the diner and before he knew it, he had consumed three large orders of baked beans and a pint of fresh buttermilk. All the way home he fizzed and fuzzed and rattled and put-putted. Upon arriving at home, he felt reasonably sure that he could control his gas.

                              His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delicately. "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the table.
                              He seated himself, and she was just about to remove the blindfold when the phone rang. She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned. She then went to answer the phone.
                              The baked beans that he had consumed were still affecting him and the pressure was almost unbearable. So while his wife was out of the room, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight on to one leg and let it go.

                              It was not only loud and rattling, but it also smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. He took his napkin and fanned vigorously at the stale air around him.
                              Shifting to the other cheek, he ripped off three more which reminded him of cabbage cooking. Keeping his ear turned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for ten delightful minutes!!!!

                              When the phone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin, placed it in his lap and folded his hands upon it and smiled contently to himself.
                              His was the picture of innocence when his wife returned. Apologising for taking so long she asked him if he peeked, which he assured her that he had not.

                              At that point she removed the blindfold and was he surprised!! There were twelve dinner guest seated around the table to wish him a Happy Birthday!

                              Comment


                                A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mother she didn’t believe him. So he sent her a picture of his top half.

                                A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidentally sent the bottom half. Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn’t think much of it.

                                A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn’t like his haircut because it made his nose look too big.
                                sigpic
                                Cruisings Cool

                                Comment


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