Joke of the Day

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

I was out in the wine country of Australia when I first heard this story.

The owner was entertaining the tourists to a wine tasting.
He was holding the fort so to speak following the death of his old buddy Bill, the
wine connoisseur and taster.

A tramp like character staggered in and interrupted the group.

“Hear you’re looking for a new wine taster ….. I’d like to apply”
Trying to get rid of him was difficult, so the owner offered him a glass of wine
to keep him quiet.

In front of everyone the dishevelled man tasted and paused
“Muscat, four year old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers,
ordinary but acceptable”

The owner was astonished.

“Give me another” again the tattered looking man tasted with people looking on.
“Cabernet, eight years old, southwest slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.
Needs another three years for real ripeness”

Everyone was astonished.

“Come on, another one”
“Ah that’s different …… a Pinot Blanc Champagne ….. excellent and exclusive”
The owner had a quick word with his secretary. She exited and returned after
a few minutes with another glass ….. with urine.

The slightly intoxicated man smelled …. put it to his lips ….. paused

“It's a blonde, 26 years, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll
name the father"

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith... ...for advice about enlarging her breasts.

He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say,
"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten
her morning ritual.

At this point, she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus--
"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory Dickory Dock."

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club when a naked
man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'

The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'

After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a
member of this golf club'.

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle
faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done
over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."

She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh!t."

[Barrowman, Bedford]

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty pounds," she says.

He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

An oldie but goodie, David. (I'm still trying to access the games threads every day, but in vain!).

The Moped and the Ferrari

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most
expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It costs half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!", replies the doctor. States the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped,
the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right, but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what the car can do. He
floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror - what it could be...and suddenly...WHOOOOOSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" The doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that
it's the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at
210 mph. WHOOOSHHH!

He is feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way
up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out,
and there is nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the
mangled old man and says "Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you? I am a doctor."

The old man whispers, "Please unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

[Barrowman, Bedford]

Rudy was lying on his deathbed surrounded by his stunning young wife and their three children, all boys. Two were tall, good-looking, and athletic, but the third and youngest was short, homely, and extremely uncoordinated…

"Darling," the husband whispered to his wife, struggling to get the words out, "Please, assure me that the youngest child is mine. I want to know the truth before I die. I'll forgive you if…" His wife calmly interrupted, "Yes, my dearest. I swear on my mother's grave, without question, YOU are his father…

" Moments later, Rudy died peacefully… Still by his side, Rudy's grieving widow muttered under her breath, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other two…"

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler:

One nun said to the other. "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered. "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am
certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter."

"I can handle that without a problem." She replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.


"We use beer for washing our hair." The nun said. "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a packet of pretzel sticks and
placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said. "The curlers are on the house."

[Barrowman, Bedford]

A woman comes home late from work

She goes upstairs and notices two people in bed, instead of just her husband.

Quietly, she tip toes away and finds a baseball bat, comes back and bludgeons the pair in bed.

She goes downstairs to grab a drink, only to find her husband sitting at the table.

"Hi honey," he says.

"Your parents decided to stop in for the night on their way back home. I let them have our room, I hope you don't mind."

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

Oooops!

..............................................

In a certain suburban neighbourhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.
Whatever went wrong in the neighbourhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s
end trying to control them.

Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest
to talk with the boys. The priest agreed to talk with the boys and asked to see the younger boy first. So the mother sent
him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and
stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, “Where is God?”

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked: “Where is God?”

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy’s nose,
and asked, “Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home.

Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their
mischief. He finally said, “We are in BIIIIG trouble.”

The older boy asked, “What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?”

His brother replied, “God is missing and they think we did it.”

[Barrowman, Bedford]

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.

He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, “Nine children is certainly a full house.”

“Well,” she replies, “I don’t know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air.”

“Yes,” says the priest, “your legs.”

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the 'miracle' products, she asked, 'Darling, honestly,
what age would you say I am?'

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, 'Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and
your figure, twenty five.'

'Oh, you flatterer!' she gushed.

'Hey, wait a minute!' Harold interrupted. 'I haven't added them up yet.'

That was the last thing he remembered before waking up in hospital bed.
Hospital visiting hours are 9am to 6pm.

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashion term, " bathroom commode."

But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the " B.C. " " Does the campground have its own B.C. is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the women was talking about. That "B.C." business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So, the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I regret, very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located 9 miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is opened only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. My daughter met her husband in the B.C.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. Sometimes it is so crowded, there are 5 to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planed to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but is surely not due to lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in the cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you for the first time you go, sit with you an introduce you to all the older folks. We will be sure to have a seat up in the front where you can be seen by everyone.

Remember we are a friendly community.

Sincerely yours,
(The campground owner)

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

Woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol! "Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol."
Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave,
cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

Here's her story in her own words:

"While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with
my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly
emerged from the murky water.

It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was
extremely aggressive.

"If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.

The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!”

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

Joan Rivers - Queen of the Barbed 1 liners

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.

I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have
enough money, you can have a key made.