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Joke of the Day

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    Originally posted by Gill Nickson, Albox View Post
    Just in case anyone is stressing about Christmas Day…………..! Here are my top tips

    Christmas Dinner…. I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets, and TV chefs… It’s a Sunday dinner for goodness sake!!! The only difference is that you are allowed to open a bottle of wine before you open the kitchen curtains!
    We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we the consumers be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year…apparently not! Here goes…?

    1. Turkey… It’s a big fecking chicken that’s all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees – jobs a good un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet, poke it in the offending bird if it says 75 degrees or over it’s cooked!

    2. Stuffing – regardless of what Jamie Oliver says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs, pine nuts and a **** load of fresh herbs to make stuffing…. (no fecking wonder he’s bankrupt if that’s what he spends to make stuffing! What you need are Paxo and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking.

    3. Gravy – Jamie Oliver is copping for this one as well … Bisto Jamie … All you need is Bisto! I (nor anyone else I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to piss about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour, cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy.

    4. Vegetables … Never mind faffing around shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable… If you don’t like them don’t buy and cook the fecking things! If your family only eats frozen peas then that’s good enough!

    5. Roast potatoes… Yes, I parboil mine then roast them in goose fat but Aunt Bessie also does the same.

    6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like… Aldi or Lidl!
    (Oh, and while we’re on the subject of pudding- if birds custard is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that’s fine – you do not need brandy butter /rum sauce etc or anything else that costs a fecking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!)

    7. Family … Children, Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce – fine leave em to it, it doesn’t matter. Once they are fed buzz them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in Peace!

    Adults… Anyone that can manage to get their sorry @rse to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/ sort the kids out/ clear the table /wash up /dry up etc.


    Easy, isn’t it ? Don’t get stressed.
    Perennial favourite - must print it off for future reference!




      It's Christmas dinner in heaven and Jesus turned to his Dad and said "So what have you been up to recently? "

      God replied, "I've been to Yorkshire".

      "WHAT?" said Jesus "They've got a pandemic there didn't you know, what on earth have you been doing?".
      God smiled and said "Working from home son, working from home".


        More Tube Announcements

        We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

        "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

        "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal
        message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes and move your bloody golf clubs away
        from the door before I come down there and shove them up your @rse sideways!"

        "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's
        only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."................


          A Little Christmas Story............
          When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
          toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
          per-Christmas pressure.

          Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
          stressed Santa even more.

          When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
          about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
          heaven knows where.

          Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
          the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

          Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
          of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk
          all the cider and hidden the liquor...

          Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the
          door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
          Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.
          Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would
          you like me to stick it?'

          And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
          Christmas tree......


            It's Leading up to Christmas and the bin men are doing their rounds. A blonde woman comes out of her house and chats with the bin man then he follows her into her house, they go upstairs and make mad passionate love and then he leaves.
            He then tells his workmates what's happened, so the following week his workmate goes to empty her bin, the blonde woman comes out, chats with him and sure enough she invites him in,she takes him upstairs and sure enough they have hot steamy sex, he then leaves, and he too tells his workmates what had just happened, this happened the next time with another work mate. The following week, the Driver said "I'm emptying her bin today!"
            As he approaches the wheelie bin, the blonde woman comes out and asks "Are you the Driver?"
            "Yes I am" he answered.
            "Wait there" the blonde lady asks.
            She goes back into her house then comes back out with her purse.
            "Here take this." and gives him £2.
            The driver asks "Well I know what you did with my work mates, how come not with me.
            The blonde lady tells him about the conversation she had with her husband about what they should give the bin men regarding tips.
            " My Husband said I had to bung the driver a couple of quid and screw the rest."



              * 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

              * 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are...

              * 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

              * 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

              * 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and... Trees and.....

              * 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
              * 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

              * 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

              * 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

              * 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
              Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells




                  B&Q JOB APPLICATION

                  This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
                  They hired him because he was so funny....

                  NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy *******)

                  SEX: Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

                  DESIRED POSITON: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.
                  If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

                  DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

                  EDUCATION: Yes.

                  LAST POSITON HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

                  PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

                  MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

                  REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

                  HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

                  PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

                  DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

                  MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here'?


                  DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"

                  HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

                  DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no. On my breaks - yes!

                  WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big t!ts and who thinks I'm the
                  greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

                  NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles



                    A Scotsman, drinking in a Havana bar, saw a man with a large black beard enter. He ordered a drink, the bartender
                    served him, he drank it, and then started to leave:
                    The bartender said. "Hey! Aren't you going to pay for that drink?"

                    The man said. "Excuse me? Castro's Army!" And walked out.

                    A few minutes later, the Scotsman saw another man with a large black beard enter, order a drink, drink it, and start
                    to leave.

                    The bartender said. "Hey! Aren't you going to pay for that?"

                    The man said. "Excuse me? Castro's Army!" And walked out.

                    When the Scotsman finished his drink, he started to leave.

                    The bartender said. "Hey! Aren't you going to pay for those drinks?"

                    The Scotsman said. "Excuse me? Castro's Army!"

                    The bartender looked him over. "Where's your black beard?"

                    The quick thinking Scotsman hoisted up his kilt and said. "Secret Service!"


                      One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a Christmas Party last night." the mailman comments.
                      Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

                      The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that..?"

                      Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

                      The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

                      Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."


                        So I went with the wife up into the loft – dirty, filthy and covered in cobwebs.....but she’s good to the kids..
                        While I was up there, I found an old painting and a dusty old violin. Thought I’d take them to the local
                        antique dealer in case they were worth anything.

                        He said “I’ll check ‘em out. Come back and see me in a couple of days”

                        So I went back and he said “I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news”

                        I said “Give me the good news”

                        He said “The good news is that you’ve got a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius”

                        I said “That’s great! fantastic!...what’s the bad news?”

                        He said “Unfortunately, Stradivarius was a lousy painter.....and Rembrandt couldn’t play the violin to
                        save his life.........”


                          ittle Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by Little Johnny's house on her
                          way home. She wanted to discuss his poor performance directly with his parents:
                          When she rang the door bell, Johnny answered.

                          "Hello Johnny, I'd like to talk to your mother or father." She said.

                          "Sorry. but they ain't here." He replied."

                          She said. "what is it with your grammar?"

                          "Haven't got a clue." Johnny replied. "But dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!"


                            A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with
                            three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

                            She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

                            “If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”

                            “We use it for sex,” she said.
                            The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help
                            with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve
                            been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?”

                            The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

                            What were you thinking ……..?


                              A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, ‘Okay old fart, time for you to retire.’

                              The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?’

                              The young rooster says, ‘Beat it. You are washed up and I am taking over.’

                              The old rooster says, ‘I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.’

                              The young rooster laughs. ‘You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.’

                              The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

                              He is only about two metres behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Roster is squawking and running as hard as he can.

                              The farmer grabs his shotgun and — BOOM — he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says, ‘Dammit…third gay rooster I bought this month!’

                              Moral of this story?

                              Don’t mess with the THE OLDER GENERATION. Age, skill and wisdom will always overcome youth and arrogance!


                                Little Johnny had a foul mouth.

                                His mother was at the end of her wit.

                                Not knowing what to do, she went to the local Church to counsel with the Priest.

                                “Father, my little boy is a darling but he has a wicked habit of saying nasty words.

                                I don’t know where he learnt them but he says things that would make a sailor!

                                What do I do?”

                                “Well, do you give him an allowance?”

                                “Yes, ten dollars. Should I take his allowance?”

                                “No, that would cause more harm than good. Instead, you will tell him that, for every bad word he says, you will deduct a penny from his allowance. At the end of the month, he will donate the deducted money to the Church as a way to ask for forgiveness. That will teach him the consequences of his actions and also value his money.”

                                The mother was glad about the plan and did so. At the end of the month, little Johnny came to the Church to pay for his language.

                                “So, my son,” said the Priest. “How many bad words did you speak this month?”

                                “999, Father”

                                “NINE HUN–” the Priest sighed. “Well, I hope this will teach you a lesson about controlling that tongue of yours. So, pay up, $ 9.99 from your allowance”

                                Pulling a face, the boy passes a ten-dollar bill to the Priest.

                                “Oh, my son, I don’t have any change”

                                “No problem, Father, go f*** yourself, and now we are even.”


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