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Joke of the Day

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    A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
    'This is the dumbest in the world. Watch while I prove it to you'. The barber
    puts a dollar bill in one hand, and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy
    over and asks, 'Which one do you want, son'. The boy takes the quarters and
    leaves. 'What did I tell you?' the barber said. 'That kid never learns'.

    Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the
    ice cream store. 'Hey, son. May I ask you a question?' Why did you take the
    quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

    The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game
    is over'.

    Comment


      Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.
      The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes for his birthday.”

      The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually, he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

      The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.”

      The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?”

      One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”

      The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

      The three friends said: “What a shame…what a disappointment.”

      The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top-of-the-line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”





      Comment


        BRITISH HOSPITALITY

        A most accommodating nation

        An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour and explore the city on his own.

        He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of beer.

        After a while he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences; no pubs, no stores or shops, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

        He really, really has to go after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

        As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”

        “I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “But I really, really have to go, and I just cannot find a public restroom.”

        “Ah, yes,” said the policemen, “Just follow me.”

        He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. “In there,” points the policeman, “Go ahead, sir, anywhere you like.”

        The American enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

        Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels a whole more comfortable.

        As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, “That was really decent of you. Is that what they call British hospitality?”


        “No, sir,” replied the policeman, “That is what we call the French Embassy.”



        Comment


          I walked into Spoons earlier, and a lady recognised me as a famous Facebooker.
          We started to talk and eventually got back to my place

          We started to kiss, and when I took off my shirt. On my arm, I have a tattoo that
          says REEBOK.


          "What's that for?" the lady questions.


          "Oh, I have this so that when I'm out and about, people will see my tattoo, and
          Reebok pays me."


          Then I took off my trousers, and on my leg, i had a tattoo that says NIKE.


          'What's that ?' the lady questions again.


          "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen when I'm out and
          about."


          Then I dropped my underwear and the lady screamed at my latest tattoo on my
          *****.

          "Don't tell me you have Aids?:

          "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute....






          Comment



            A man was riding his Harley along a California highway, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said: 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'


            The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

            The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take!

            It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

            The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

            The Lord paused for a moment.....
            Then the Lord replied,
            ‘You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

            Comment


              One for the Boys

              Men Teaching Classes for Women at
              THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

              REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
              By December 29, 2021

              NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
              OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

              Class 1
              Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
              Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
              Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

              Class 2
              Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
              Round Table Discussion.
              Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

              Class 3
              Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
              Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

              Class 4
              Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
              Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

              Class 5
              Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
              Examples on Video.
              Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
              At 7:00 PM

              Class 6
              How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
              Help Line Support and Support Groups.
              Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

              Class 7
              Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
              Open Forum ..
              Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

              Class 8
              Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
              Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

              Class 9
              I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
              Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

              Class 10
              How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
              Driving Simulations.
              4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
              Class 11

              Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
              Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

              Class 12
              How to Shop by Yourself.
              Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

              Comment



                A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who is best at their job, so they each

                go into the woods, find a bear, and try and convert it.




                Later they get together. The priest begins, 'When I found the bear, I read to him

                from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first


                communion.'




                The minister says, 'I found a bear by the stream and preached God's holy word.

                The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him'.




                They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

                'Looking back,' he says, 'maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.'

                Comment


                  Engineers take a bow!

                  During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation offered its employees a huge reward to come up with diagnoses. To the surprise of the top engineers, old Jenkins the janitor meekly said he had an idea.

                  Well, desperation breeds opportunities, so they asked him to explain. In reply he merely requested a power drill, and when supplied one he climbed onto the wings of the latest prototype and proceeded to make holes a few inches apart where the wings joined the fuselage. "Now, get your test pilot to fly the fighter", Jenkins advised.

                  Sceptical, but curious, the engineers did. Lo! The jet fighter passed with flying (pun intended) colors. No more wing snapping. Amazed, the engineers surrounded Jenkins amidst all the celebration and asked him how he had hit upon such a clever solution that evaded all the engineering brains. Here is Jenkins' response.

                  "Ladies and gentlemen, even though I did not not have the benefit of university training like you, I am an observant chappie. You see, as janitor one of my duties is to change the toilet rolls in the loos when they run low.
                  Now, you know how toilet paper has rows of holes separating sheets?
                  Well, how often have you seen toilet paper actually tear along these holes?"

                  Comment


                    A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his
                    colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb
                    and takes off the door before zooming off.

                    More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.


                    Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask
                    any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful
                    silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply
                    never be the same again!'


                    After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

                    'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are
                    so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'


                    'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.


                    The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the
                    truck hit you.'


                    The Banker looks down in horror.
                    'BLOODY HELL!' he screams........
                    ‘Where's my Rolex?!?’





                    Comment


                      A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
                      Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the
                      motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..
                      "Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
                      willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

                      The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance
                      compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new
                      willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But
                      the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."

                      The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to
                      decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better
                      discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a four inch one before, and
                      you decide to go for eight inches, she might be a bit put out. But if
                      you had an eight inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a
                      four incher this time, she might be disappointed So it's important
                      that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.."

                      The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
                      "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

                      "I have," says the man.

                      "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

                      "We're having granite worktops."





                      Comment



                        A little old lady with blue hair entered a s shop and asked in a quivering voice,
                        “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-di*****es h-hhhere?”

                        The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his
                        shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”

                        The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “Dddd-do
                        y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?”

                        “Well... yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.” “D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave
                        a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?” “Yes ma’am, one of them does.”

                        “W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”

                        Comment


                          Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
                          He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

                          Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
                          He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
                          In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

                          She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’

                          Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’

                          ‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.







                          Comment



                            Sunday Morning Sex

                            Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

                            Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

                            "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

                            She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

                            Comment


                              TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS

                              Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

                              “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.

                              You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

                              Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

                              The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it.”

                              “On time” is when you get there.

                              Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.

                              It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and 3 sizes smaller.

                              Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

                              Growing old should have taken longer.

                              Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

                              You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.

                              And one more:

                              “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.

                              Comment



                                A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

                                He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
                                So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.

                                Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
                                She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

                                His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished...Naturally, (since he was her husband.)
                                Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

                                Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
                                She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

                                "Did you dance much ?"

                                "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.

                                Comment


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