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Joke of the Day

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    Originally posted by Old Sea Dog, Stockport View Post

    There's nothing like plagiarism is there Gill. I posted this 6 days ago
    Oops, sorry OSD! But take it as a compliment as I found it amusing and so passed it on to all on my
    30+ Joke List and 3 Joke Forums, so obviously got carried away and included it here as well! x


      Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

      I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

      I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"

      I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.

      She said: "Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19.

      Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.

      She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."


        Like it Gill and topical too.

        A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad replies, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family so let's call me Capitalism. Your mum is the administrator of the money so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class and your baby brother we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappie. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep so not wanting to wake her he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks through the keyhole and sees his father is having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep 5hit."
        Our cruising days are over now.................


          A woman goes to the dentist. The receptionist tells her that she needs an appointment. The woman replies "but it's an emergency though!" So the receptionist relents and tells her "I'll try and fit you in". When it was her turn, she walks into the surgery, removes her knickers, sits in the chair and raises her legs. The dentist says, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist." "I know," replies the woman. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”
          Our cruising days are over now.................


            A farmer is laying in bed when he suddenly turns over and grabs his wife's breast saying "If you
            could get milk out of these we wouldn't need the cows."

            He then grabs her v@gina and says "If you could get eggs out of here we wouldn't need the chickens."

            His wife slowly turns over, smiles then grabs his pen!s and says "Honey if you could get this up, I
            wouldn't need your brother."


              The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
              On the day the proxy Father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.
              The man should be here soon.'

              Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell,
              hoping to make a sale.

              'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

              'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

              'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

              'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

              After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

              'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on
              the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

              'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

              'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions
              and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

              'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

              'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure
              you'd be disappointed with that.'

              'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

              The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on
              the top of a bus,' he said.

              'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

              'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

              'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

              'Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around
              four and five deep to get a good look'

              'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

              'Yes', the photographer replied 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and
              yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
              squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

              Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

              'It's true, Ma'am, yes..

              Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'


              'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's muchtoo big to be held in the
              hand very long.'

              Mrs. Smith fainted


                An old man and his wife were getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the old lady bursts out of the bathroom stark naked and starts thrusting her pelvis whilst yelling "super pussy!" The old man takes one long look at her and replies "I'll have the soup.”
                Our cruising days are over now.................


                  In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the
                  men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

                  Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

                  He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had
                  promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and
                  a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

                  He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his
                  What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
                  Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the
                  warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP
                  button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring
                  flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a
                  restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

                  When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR
                  button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

                  Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse
                  was staring down at him.

                  "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the
                  ATR button.

                  "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your ***** is under your

                  "MEN NEVER LISTEN"


                    It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his round he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with an envelope full of gift vouchers. At the second house they presented him with a large box of fine Cuban cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a nice cheque. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced. Afterwards they went downstairs, where she fixed him a full English breakfast with fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was finished she poured him a cup of fresh tea. She then slid a pound coin over the table to him. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the pound for?" "Well, last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you, so I asked him what to give you. He said, 'f*ck him, give him a quid.'.......The breakfast was my idea.”
                    Our cruising days are over now.................


                      A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet
                      to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles,
                      he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.

                      A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns,
                      unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon
                      and ties it around the dog's testicle, and sure enough, he stopped snoring.
                      The woman is amazed!

                      Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his mates.
                      He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon
                      might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it
                      around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

                      The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands
                      in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
                      He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached
                      to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know
                      where we were .... or what we did ... but, ... We took first and second place."


                        A girl is doing her biology homework when she gets stuck, so she asks her mother
                        "Mum, how do you spell 'scrotum'?"

                        Her mum replies "You should have asked me last night dear—it was on the tip of
                        my tongue.


                          More Puns
                          A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
                          in Linoleum Blownapart.

                          Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

                          A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The
                          police are looking into it.

                          Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

                          Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

                          Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

                          One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head


                            Originally posted by Gill Nickson, Albox View Post
                            A girl is doing her biology homework when she gets stuck, so she asks her mother
                            "Mum, how do you spell 'scrotum'?"

                            Her mum replies "You should have asked me last night dear—it was on the tip of
                            my tongue.
                            Hi Gill. You must really like my jokes. Check the last page.
                            Our cruising days are over now.................


                              A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

                              "Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there ages. Your legs look tired. How about I give those muscles a rub?”

                              I don’t think so, she says, "How about giving me my youthful looks back again.”

                              The little man shakes his head, "Sorry, I can't do that. But sit on that rock over there and I can work wonders on those calves.”

                              She declines. "How about making me slimmer, with some curves in the right places?"

                              "Sorry, no can do." he replies, "But how about a relaxing shoulder rub?"

                              “How about finding me a caring, thoughtful, handsome man, then?”

                              "I can’t do that either, but my back rubs are just delightful,” he offers.

                              Annoyed she gives him a glare, "What is it with you? I ask 3 wishes, you can't grant any. What kind of a genie are you?"

                              "Hey, who said I'm a genie?" says the little man, "I'm a massage in a bottle."
                              Our cruising days are over now.................


                                Originally posted by Old Sea Dog, Stockport View Post

                                Hi Gill. You must really like my jokes. Check the last page.
                                Of course, I do OSD - you are an inspiration to me and many others! Sorry again.
                                I do try and check back a few posts before I include mine, but if it is on a previous page
                                I don't go back that far. And as I get at least half a dozen jokes every day, and post on
                                a few other forums as well as to the 30-odd people on my daily Joke List, it is easy to
                                be confused (especially at my age!) Apologies, will try harder!

                                The Male Cycle ______________________________________

                                1. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big Tits.

                                2. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion. I decided I needed
                                a passionate girl with zest for life.

                                3. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency.
                                She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. I decided I needed a girl with

                                4. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and
                                never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some

                                5. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one
                                thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable
                                as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. I decided to find
                                someone with some real ambition.

                                6. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious lady with her feet planted firmly on the ground and
                                married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

                                7. I'm older and wiser now, I'm looking for a woman with big tits.


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