Joke of the Day

[Old Sea Dog, Stockport]

.
A man walks into the doctor's office with a carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear and a mushroom stuck up one nostril. The man asks, "Doctor, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation
has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible
lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and
do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand
and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this
is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will
feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a
runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I
never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple
of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

They are so different in Barnsley

A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was
in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke, a
local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy any
female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla
for £500?

Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin’ on’t lips." The Keeper quickly agreed
to this condition.

2. "Secund", he said, "Tha’ can’t ever tell anybody abaht this." The Keeper
again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all’t bairns raised as Barnsley fans." Once
again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha’s got to gi me another week to come
up wi’ 500 quid”

[Barrowman, Bedford]

I went to the doctor the other day and said

Have you anything for the wind?

He gave me a kite.........

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking brown dog sitting there."Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the dog replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I
wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies
and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired
me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for
a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals.

I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants
for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says."

"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying b@stard. He's never been out of the garden."

[Barrowman, Bedford]

A guy walks into a psychiatrists wearing only clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

(Specially for you, HT!)

Ye Canna Fool A Scotsman!

During a recent golf vacation to Mesa Arizona, I had been slicing off
the tee on every hole.

I asked my Scottish buddy if he noticed any obvious reasons for my poor
tee shots, to which the buddy replies:

"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver. "

I picked up my driver and started to clean the club face, at which point
my buddy said:

"No, the other end."

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

> OMG - Did I Just Say That?

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres aired on British TV and radio:
>>
>> 1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
>> horse. I once rode her mother.'
>>
>> 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
>> Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
>>
>> 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
>> Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
>>
>> 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
>> that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
>> the Oxford crew.'
>>
>> 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
>> playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
>> balls and kisses them. Oh my god!! What have I just said??'
>>
>> 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
>> Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
>>
>> 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
>> snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob,
>> where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE
>> have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
>> laughing so hard!
>>
>> 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
>> today after a 69 yesterday.'
>>
>> 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
>> 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
>> like this.'
>>
>> 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
>> 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
>>
>> 11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
>> astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
>> 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only
>> come in his shorts.'
>>
>> 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
>> Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes
>> to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself'.

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every
time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off
the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while
theywere in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she
turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was
holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft,
wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent *******," She screamed
at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

I was in the pub and this guy was celebrating winning £14 million
on the lottery.

Then his ex-wife walked in and demanded a half.

He said, "Sure, a half, it's the least I can do."

She said, "What, are you serious? Well, thank you, thank you so much."

He said, "Alright love, for goodness sake calm down

Fosters or Carling?"

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited about
their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,
and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The chemist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Chemist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Chemist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Chemist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Chemist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Chemist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Chemist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "In that case, we'd like to use this store for our wedding
presents list."

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but
only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells
mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems;
document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before
the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and
the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last ..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Lawnmowerman, Tain]

[QUOTE=Gill Nickson, Albox;791031]Qantas Airlines: Repair Division



P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


On a similar theme:

About 30 (or so) years ago a customer complained to me (I was a Service Engineer with a large Audi/VW company) that his door would open when driving.

I booked it into the system with the fault as "Drivers's door opens of own accord".

A few hours later I got a 'phone call from the Workshop Controller in his usual deadpan delivery "Bill, that car has been parked outside my office for the last three hours and the door hasn't opened yet!"

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

Nice one, Lwnmowerman, and good to have you joining in - please continue!


Sign of the Times

A left wing Politician, a TV Reporter and a British soldier were captured
by ISIS. They were as usual sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each,
before sentence was carried out.

The Politician asked to hear a rendering of 'keep the red flag flying here'.

The Reporter asked that the beheading be televised so that even when
he was dead his face would be on TV.

The Soldier asked to be kicked three times up the @rse.

This was carried out first, and as the last kick landed the Trooper pulled
a hidden 9 mm pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead, grabbed
one of their fallen AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists.

The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be
kicked three times before drawing his gun.

Because, said the Soldier, “When we get back to the UK , I don’t want you
pair of @rseholes saying it was an unprovoked attack !”

[Gill Nickson, Albox]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example,
the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a
team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name
of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix,
and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be
marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be
possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names
of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’. Pepsi will market the
new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly
population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do
with them.