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    HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:


    1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
    Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
    apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,
    pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


    2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
    left arm and repeat process.


    3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


    4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
    paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
    with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


    5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
    from garden.


    6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
    paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
    one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
    cat's throat vigorously.


    7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
    Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
    figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


    8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible
    from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open
    with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


    9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take
    taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet
    with cold water and soap.


    10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
    Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force
    mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


    11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
    Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to
    cheek and check records for date of last tet**** shot. Apply whiskey compress
    to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch
    new one from bedroom.


    12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road.
    Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
    Take last pill from foil-wrap.


    13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
    bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. P
    ush pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it.
    Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


    14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
    room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill
    remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


    15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop
    to see if they have any hamsters.


    HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

    1) Wrap it in cheese.








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