Foot in Mouth Disease!!!

Have you ever said something then regretted it the second the words are out of your mouth? Or made yourself look a right ‘Charlie’ when you realise what you just said was ridiculous or worse said something and can’t understand why everyone around you is hysterical with laughter?

Then take comfort, this should make you feel so much better. There is always someone worse!

My Fifty Things you should never have asked

or said on a cruise ship!

Does the crew sleep on board?

No we bus them to a hotel?

How far above sea-level are we?

10 feet?

Is the island surrounded by water?

No it’s your imagination. That’s why they call it an island!

Does the ship generate its own electricity?

Really?

Does this elevator go up as well as down?

Not even going to comment!

What time’s the midnight buffet?

Take an educated guess!

What do they do with the ice sculptures when they melt?

Mop!

Was the fish caught this morning by the crew?

??????

Do we have to stay up until midnight to change our clocks?

Tempting to say yes but no!

How do we know which photos are ours?

Try looking at them!

Is the mail brought on by plane?

No owl! Really I know some ships are big but a runway?

Is the doctor qualified?

No we picked him up on the dock before we left. Crane driver I think!

Should I put my luggage outside the cabin before or after I go to sleep?

After of course!

Does the Sun always rise on the left side of the ship?

No we alternate it so all the passengers get to see it!

Approaching Venice -Does the ship dock in the middle of town?

Yes that’s right this ship is going to fit down those canals. No worries!

 Guy gets onto the lift, the door closed and the automated voice said, “going down.”  The guy looks at the other passengers and says, “I wish they wouldn’t say that on a cruise ship.”

Funny!

How close are those whales going to come to the boat?

Isn’t that the point of a whale watching cruise?

Where is the gang plank?

Think we might need to re-instate it!

Do the tour times coincide with when the ship is in port?  

No madam they leave one hour later!

Is it cold on a glacier?

Well it is kind of made of ice?

What will the weather be like in four days time?  

Crystal ball time!

If I don’t book an excursion can I still go ashore? 

No we lock you in the cabin!

What time do we need to be on deck to see the glaciers carve?

Just let me check their schedule! I’ll get back to you.

Why so they call them sea days? Why not A or B days?

The lights are on but no-one is home!

When does the ship land?  

Land? Really!

If we book the whale watching tour by sea, does it go on a boat?  

No sir by air? Of course it’s on a boat it’s at sea!

Phone rings at guest services. We cannot get out of our cabin because one door leads to the bathroom and the other door says please do not disturb?

Laughed so hard I cried!

What time does the ship stop rocking tonight?

When we turn off the waves!

If I book the helicopter excursion do the helicopters have restrooms?

Of course and a restaurant and café bar!

How do the phones work on-board? Do they connect by satellite or cable?

Conjure the thought of a ship with miles of cable trailing behind it!

Do I have to pay to phone the cabin next door?

Don’t be lazy walk!

Could someone please stop the orcas from killing the seals it’s upsetting my wife.

1^st Steward looks at 2^nd Steward, shall we toss for it?

Do you speak American?

No ma-am only the Queen’s English.

Where do I catch the bus for the walking tour?

That would be nowhere then!

If the excursion says it lasts three hours how long does it take?

Take a wild guess, three hours maybe!

I was told you have 5 seats left on this tour. Are they on the bus?

No we thought we would make you run alongside!

Where can I get an English speaking newspaper?

The mind boggles!

What floor is deck 5 on?

Let me think 5 at a wild guess!

Do we need to wear a bathing suit on the helmet dive?

Well you aren’t going in naked!

Customer holding a green tag. Is this a red luggage tag? What colour is it sir? Green. Yes sir. So it is a red luggage tag then?

Arrggg

Does the helicopter tour pick us up on deck?

Certainly it does! Helicopter central up there!

Can you tell me which snorkelling trip is best for none swimmers?

Any of them if you want to drown!

Does the jungle hike involve any walking?

Yes that’s why they call it a hike!

An international flight? Is that one that goes to another country?

Really!

My fridge isn’t working. I put my drink in last night and it didn’t keep it cold?

That would be because that is the safe madam!

Guest relations. I want my money back because the ship is no longer stopping at Grenada! But ma-am Grenada has been hit by a hurricane! So?

Compassion please!

We booked a meal in the steakhouse and they didn’t serve chicken.

No that’s because it’s a steakhouse! The clue is in the name!

In the shop. Does the underwater camera take pictures underwater?

Beyond words!

The elevators have a mind of their own. I get in press to go to the 4^th floor and it stops at the 2^nd and the 3^rd floor too. 

Perhaps it’s because someone else wanted to get in or out?

Waiter, this wine isn’t chilled. Yes ma-am its red wine and served at room temperature. I know that I do know about wine but it still isn’t cold!

Frustrating!

I hope this made you laugh. Stay tuned for the next installment coming soon…